The beginning of the end…
When I was living in Texas on an expatriate assignment working in a high-profile executive leadership role, I was working long hours in the office and at home and I was the sole income earner.

One unassuming night at home, I began to feel strange. My hands and feet were sweaty, it was hard to breathe and I had stabbing pains in my chest. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I ended up in ED where (thankfully) I was told I was not having a heart attack but I was beyond scared by the experience. I dutifully went back to my life and the stress like it was normal and I was OK.

Except it wasn’t normal. And I wasn’t OK.

3 more episodes, ED visits and a gamut of tests, it was not until my fourth ED visit that a nurse finally told me what was happening.

I was having panic attacks.

My body was telling me I wasn’t coping and something had to change. But I didn’t listen and simply learned how to manage the attacks so I could simply keep going the way I had been. Until..

The mini-breakdown…
Upon returning to my hometown Perth, I was terribly unhappy and experienced a mini-breakdown which saw me step down into a lower graded role and see a psychologist. 

I was able to improve some things but there was one thing I couldn’t deny.

I realised I was miserable in my career and no longer felt fulfilled in my life. I no longer experienced joy, purpose or connection in my work, relationship and life and felt disconnected from everything I created.  The stress had taken a toll on my health and I had lost myself. I was completely disconnected from who I truly was and what I wanted beyond surface level. 

Despite all of the evidence in front of me begging me to change, I came up with so many reasons why I couldn’t:

• “I need the financial security of my multiple six-figure salary”

• “I have built a great reputation and don’t want to have to prove myself again at a new company”

• “Why go somewhere else to do the same work, be miserable and get paid half the salary?”

• “I’ve been working in corporate so long, I can’t do anything else”

• “I’m too old to change careers”

• “I’m married so I have to stay, even if I’m not happy with where I see my marriage going” 

• “No one else will see/understand/accept/love me”

• “I have had a great life, I should be grateful”

• “I don’t deserve so much already, so I can’t want more”

All of these thoughts and beliefs were deeply underpinned by self-doubt, fear and being disconnected from my true self. They kept me in my comfort zone, which in truth was not comfortable at all. I felt life was passing me by and I felt trapped  with no options to make things better.

Then things started to crumble…
In 2019 my marriage came to an abrupt end and the company I worked for sold its assets, including its staff. I had been in my relationship for 17 years and worked for the company for 12. In what seemed like a heartbeat, two major things I felt largely defined me, fell apart. 

It felt like my world as I knew it had been destroyed. I felt lost, listless. I filled my days and nights to avoid the reality that I didn’t know who I was and what I really wanted in my life anymore. But as the days, weeks and months passed by, I grew tired of the empty frivolity. I became acutely aware of the fleeting nature of life with news of life changing events happening to people around me. Something in me was shifting.  

I knew I wanted to stop taking the extraordinary gift of my one precious life for granted. I wanted to create my own meaning and fulfilment. For the first time ever, I yearned to live my life for me.

I finally realised I was presented with an invitation to re-evaluate my life and this started me on a period of intense self-reflection and discovery.

I chose to redefine who I was without my husband and the career reputation I had built. I asked myself difficult questions, took stock of my life and what was truly important.

The real catalyst for change…
I almost cried at my desk when I once again felt the symptoms of a panic attack descending upon me mid-2020. It had been years since I’d had one and so it felt soul destroying to be back in that place. At that moment, I knew there was no amount of money or prestige that was worth continuing to work, and live, this way. I simply couldn't continue existing, going through the motions, ignoring the life I knew I was meant to be living. I finally decided things had to change and knew I was the only one who could create that change. And so I did.

I quit my job without another to go to. Some people told me the move was stupid. Others, courageous. Regardless of what anyone else thought, it felt right for me and for once I was following my heart not my head.